I dreamed that The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy was finally released as a motion picture and I was assigned to interview its author and get his take on the film.

No easy task, as Douglas Adams died a couple of years ago.

I have my ways, however. I stumbled out of bed and headed for the bathroom. It was dark and cold. The small imitation antique clock in the hallway reported 4:44 AM. Wind whistled outside. The tune was unfamiliar at first, but as I grabbed my towel I found myself humming along. Definitely something classical.

I brushed my teeth and dived into bed with my towel, pulling up my blanket against the early morning chill. Assuming a position usually associated with crucifixion, I began to count backwards by three hundred sixty five.

eXoNews: Thank you so much for granting this interview, Mr. Adams. We know you have a busy schedule being dead.

D.A.: You're welcome. Am I dreaming?

eXoNews: No, this is our dream. It is really fabulous being able to speak to you! You are one of our favorite authors! We've read all your books and we brought our towel.

D.A.: I'm just a guy, you know. Are you sure I'm not dreaming? You seem to be speaking in the plural.

eXoNews: Well, it is possible. You could be dreaming in our dream, we suppose.

D.A.: And you all use the same towel? Is that permitted?

eXoNews: The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy was released in the United States recently. A long road for you, getting the picture made. We wonder what you think of the film.

D.A.: Hardly matters now, does it? What's that tune you're humming? Is that White Room by Cream?

eXoNews: That's it! White Room! We thought it was something classical! Mahler's 4th Symphony or something.

At the exact moment I dreamed of Mahler's 4th Symphony, Robert Farringdon Woolworth was sweeping the gutters in front of the Victoria and Albert Museum at the corner of Exhibition and Cromwell Roads in London, England. Robert Farringdon Woolworth, or "Sneer" as he is known to his close associates, was the former bass player for Lactose, a Cream cover band who once almost gained fame in the early 1980s opening for Cowboys International at a pub in the Scottish village of Plockton.

When Cowboys International failed to show up for the Plockton gig, Lactose was hooted off the stage and disbanded soon afterwards. Left to his own devises for several decades, Sneer eventually took a job as a street maintenance worker in London.

"What's this, then?" Sneer asked, picking up an unused ticket for the recent Cream Reunion concert at the Albert Hall on Kensington, just a few blocks from the Victoria and Albert Museum. "Damn! I could have seen old Clapton had I only found this ticket last week. Damn and double damn!"

In fact, Robert Farringdon Woolworth could not have found the ticket to the Cream Reunion concert at the Royal Albert Hall in the gutter at the corner of Exhibition and Cromwell Roads in London the previous week because it had only arrived there a nanosecond earlier due to a collision between an 11th dimensional string and a yellow canary escaping from a gilded cage in a beach house once owned by Fred Gwynne in Malibu, California.

Fred Gwynne was, of course, an extremely talented actor who died in 1993 after making over forty films and is only remembered for the role of Herman Munster in a TV show ripped off from another TV show based on the cartoons of Charles Addams.

The canary in the gilded cage was owned by Francesca Di Polito, an associate producer of a reality TV show called Eat Me! The premise of the reality show is to strand six lucky contestants a half a mile from a vicious tribe of cannibals along the Amazon River in South America and see how they make out.

Eat Me! will premiere on Spike TV during the summer of 2005.

Miss Di Polito was in a hurry for a meeting with the tribe and forgot to close the door on her gilded cage, allowing the yellow canary to escape.

The collision between the 11th dimensional string and the yellow canary opened a space-time rift in the past and three-quarters of the way down the line of Cream fans waiting to be admitted to the reunion concert. The line ran from the Natural History Museum on Cromwell, up Exhibition past the Science Museum and left on Kensington Road to the Royal Albert Hall.

It so happened that Mr. and Mrs. Minh Lee, who traveled all the way from their dairy farm in South Korea to see Eric and the boys perform, were standing next to the rift. The yellow canary suddenly appeared in front of a startled Mr. Lee who swatted at it with his concert ticket. The ticket fell into the rift and was transported a week ahead in time, caught by a faint morning breeze and deposited in the gutter at the corner of Exhibition and Cromwell Roads.

The canary escaped Mr. Lee's attack and proceeded up Exhibition Road singing the fifth violin part from the final movement of Mahler's 4th Symphony. Mrs. Lee still had her ticket to the Cream Reunion concert and thoroughly enjoyed her first evening without her husband in thirty years. She particularly liked "Toad".

The possibility of a collision between an 11th dimensional string and a yellow canary was predicted some eighty years earlier by anomalous phenomena researcher Charles Hoy Fort (1874-1932), best known for coining the term "damned knowledge", which refers to any knowledge scoffed at because it does not align with current scientific disciplines.

Mr. Fort also claimed that the destinies of earthlings were ruled by aliens on Mars and other stuff.

Charles Samuel Addams, the famous cartoonist and creator of The Addams Family, died in 1988 and was probably not directly related to Douglas Adams, author of The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy.

Robert Farringdon Woolworth, AKA Sneer, is also probably not related to Frank Winfield Woolworth, founder of the famous Woolworth Five and Dime Stores, although Woolworth stores were once widespread in Britain and sold a popular pattern of china featuring yellow canaries in the 1930s.

Before tossing out Mr. Lee's lost ticket to the Cream Reunion concert at the Royal Albert Hall, Sneer noted that the seat number printed on the ticket was 42.

Damned Knowledge - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Damned_knowledge

Hitchhiker Official Movie Site - http://hitchhikers.movies.go.com

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